Aries
March 21 - April 20
With the April sun in Cuba, Woaooh, put all projects on hold until you’ve finished procrastinating. If you’re feeling overwhelmed watch an episode of ‘The Gilmore Girls’ and imagine the characters are wasps. Have you been living in a snow dome, or is it just dandruff?
Taurus
April 21 - May 21
Uranus in your social media comments recommends a cyber colonic for the new moon. Remember, one person’s uneducated, opinionated trash is another person’s pressure.
If you are unsure where you stand with someone, it’s more obvious when you’re playing Twister rather than Twitter.
Gemini
May 22 - June 22
Venus and Saturn celebrate same-solar-system marriage and notice that Mother Earth keeps on turning. For Geminis, this means you can also finally marry your two personalities. It’s quite acceptable if your anthem is, ‘I love the nightlife, I love to bookkeep, on the disco around oh yeah’.
Cancer
June 23 - July 24
Your storage is full but the fridge is empty. Start a new craze by taking selfies in the refrigerator #selfridges. Mind the snapchat frozen peas.
Save on storage by sending files to your memory foam pillow instead of icloud. Update your spreadsheets at the laundromat for best results.
Leo
July 25 - August 23
With Mars charging through your career sector, retain portions of salad in your teeth so everyone knows you eat healthy. How can you expect anyone to take you seriously unless you’re drinking coffee in active wear? If you wanna be somebody, if you want go somewhere, you’d better wakeup and pay attention to Whoopie Goldberg.
Virgo
August 24 - September 23
With the planets forming a criminal line-up on ‘Law n Order: SVU’, make sure you dot and cross all your ‘Ice-T’s’. When Dick Wolf is your spirit animal you are always guaranteed acting work.
On the home front, you’re safer in a jumping castle during an earthquake.
Libra
September 24 - October 23
As the moon moves through the Soviet United States of Brexit, it might be time for you to relocate. Sea change? Yes, the levels are rising. Schedule in some much needed ‘me-time’ by time travelling to your prenatal years in the womb. Shakedown 1979.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 22
With Neptune giving up sugar and writing a thousand books about it, you decide to list an old chicken carcass on AirBnb. It’s a unique open plan with 2 wings, every family’s wish bone.
Puppies aren’t just for Christmas, they’re also in a few Korean dishes.
Sagittarius
November 23 - December 22
Despite your appetite for life, your body is at it’s maximum intake after non stop binge-watching and newsfeed indulging. Consider following the pyramid diet, eating only Toblerone, select wedding cakes and ARIA awards. Single? Why not buy the album.
Capricorn
December 23 - January 19
What do you want this year? Take the time to create a vision board and you will attract more vision boards into your life. You could have a new vision board by next month. Increase your higher awareness by getting your third eye a brow wax.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 19
If your relationship is on the rocks it’s because there’s a new whiskey called ‘Relationship’. Drink up, my water carrying friends, but think carefully if you are after the single or double malt.
If you are on the market for a new love, you may find that special someone on dating apps such as ‘Pokemon Go’.
Pisces
February 20 - March 20
With Mercury needing more stars for a better rating on Trivago, try not to fall into old patterns like faded tribal tattoos. Put a frangipani behind the ear of social anxiety and throw a fabulous dinner party at the general crotch area of your frenemies.
