2024 Horror Scopes with Euglena Starwoman

 Aries

In 2024 it’s time to shine…for your screens. Not you, silly. Adjust your brightness settings! Socially, set some healthy boundaries, even if you are a bound Aries. Some people will take a fence, but it is important for you to maintain the range. Fleece navidad.

Taurus 

AI is finally here to be the best version of you this year. Embrace your authentic deep fake-ness, and completely outsource your true existence. This is a timely move, since Neptune’s nepo babies hoard all of the galaxy’s resources from the 55th of May. Meditate on radical acceptance, and accept cookies just as they are, without judgement.

Gemini

Mars (She/Him/They) travels through your wealth and hellness sector, encouraging you to self-care for others. Cosmetic surgery could also give you the lift you need, but try not to book the teeth widening procedure like last year. Cleaning Hack: Get eyelash extensions so you can work as a chimney sweep.

Cancer

2024 is destined to be expansive for you. Oh, apologies, dang autocorrect. That should read, ‘expensive.’ Throw your mortarboard in the air like you’ve graduated with honours, every time the eftpos machine says ‘approved’. Boost your self esteem by holding a coronation for yourself on the next loony eclipse. 

Leo

2023 was the Chinese year of the rabbit in a waistcoat with a pocket watch. After following him through whatever that was, you re-emerge on a very important date, even though you’re late. Enter the dragon of 2024. Thank god! A giant reptile with tiny wing decorations that spreads fire with it’s breath. Get ready to book a trip on a plane that drops gallons of water.

Virgo

Home buyer, m’lord. Home buyer. Get creative with DIY renovations by substituting traditional building materials with slime. Jupiter is throwing a party in your comfort zone, and you’re not invited. What is Julia Roberts doing there? Perhaps it’s time to meet more like minded friends. An ice bath can be a great way to break the ice. 

Libra

Due to the writers strike, 2024 has not been written for Libra yet. We do know that it is set to star Adam Driver as every character, animal and object though. He is also the set. Meanwhile, there is still plenty of entertainment to stream, like your consciousness. Normalise normality.

Scorpio

The numerology for 2024 is 8, which means we did grade 2 maths. The number 8 signifies something to someone, somewhere. It’s the perfect time to achieve balance by combining business with pressure. Update your home insurance to include the incoming ice age.

Global Warming: Follow me for more slow cooker recipes.

Sagittarius

Plant based products can be great, but after reading too many bad Google reviews about photosynthesis, you decide to order the big pharma parmigiana. Financial opportunities exist for those who Airbnb out their guts to backpacking bacteria and other meandering microbes. 

If you are single and looking for a hot date; July 10, 1913 was 56.7 degrees celsius. Smokin!

Capricorn

Mercury in retrograde for the first part of the year forces you to endure cricket commentary jokes from 1986. Boobenheimer. As an Earth sign, spend some time in the garden doing sick burn outs in your monster ute that doesn’t fit in the garage, or the house, or the airport hanger. You know what they say, ‘big ute, big uterus’. 

Aquarius

As Uranus tries out your new noise cancelling undies, it’s the perfect time to write a country song about the time you left your phone torch on. Picture your audience holding their phones with the torches on. Healthwise, microdosing on microplastics has you questioning whether gravity aligns with your core beliefs. 

Pisces

Release a film about your last gig to no one called, ‘Nothing, nowhere, never happened’. Give em the old razzle dazzle with all the glitz and glamour of tumbleweeds and dust. Attend the premiere in the on-trend ladies fashion that is Woody Allen’s old clothes. 

Mantra: I’m so itchy, like something is biting me all the time.

Yours hormonally,

Euglena Starwoman

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2023 Horror Scopes

 Aries 

2023 is the new black hole. It really sucks and you discover that nothing matters. Uranus leaves a cafe with that giant spatula toilet key, inspiring you to write a book called 'Recipe Toilet Eats'. Enrol in a post graduate course on how to wash your hands.

Taurus

As an Earth sign, you are a picture of the world on a board displayed somewhere people can see. If you are single and ready to mingle you will need the 'L'. Otherwise, you are singe and ready to minge. Unlucky colours are cyan and flesh coloured lycra. Your skin is not clothes. 

Gemini

Gemini, get your twins out in 2023. It's time to get something important off your chesticles. Nip it in the bud. If you are feeling sociable this year, hold a 'Data Breach' party so you can get to know everyone better. In 2023 you finally find a carpark, but it's in your driveway. Are you guys leaving?

Cancer

Jupiter transits through your 10th house of more inclusive gambling ads. FINALLY! A career change sees you in a new role of service, delivering misinformation to the needy. This year is also a great time for starting new hobbies, like endometriosis.

Leo

Address your mental health concerns by opening up to your waitress, who asks, 'How is everything here?' It turns out, 'These dishes are designed for sharing' is literal, and doesn't mean sharing your problems. There is Himalayan pink salt on the table to rub into your wounds.

Virgo

Cat hiss 2022 away and scratch a new vision board into a public toilet door. This year is your time to shine, as you finally learn that your love language is sleeping. Start a new spiritual practice in overthinking everything. Classic mindfulness 101. Dalmatians!

Libra

2023 invites you to add 'existing' to your bucket list. Don't wait until it's too late. During Mercury retrograde you need to adjust your social media settings so it is just you in your feed. Now that's content. Lucky ice-cream flavours are ramen raisin.

Scorpio

This is your year for self care for yourself. Eat mindfully, realising that baby spinach never made it to adulthood. Hire a personal trainer to drive you around on a train each day. Start a hydrating beauty routine by getting someone to spray you with a fire hydrant. That's what they're really for. Health and wellnesssssssssss! (Wealth and hellness)

Sagittarius

Start your free 30 day trial of 2023 here. We recommend the annual subscription which you can't cancel at anytime. The next new moon cup inspires home renovations. The labour shortage and limited supply chain sees you employing a group of enthusiastic bush turkeys to get the job done. Nest minute!

Capricorn

Close the door on the putrid festival toilet of 2022. Set your mantra for the year to your automatic out-of-office reply. Treat yourself to a girls' night out and try opening a portal to a new dimension with your high shrill lady voices. Squeeeeee!

Aquarius

Saturn transits through your 8th house of investment lettuces. It's a great time to take that underwater yoga class to build core strength in those pesky hind legs. An online make-up tutorial class for contouring enormous saggy jowls can help boost your self-esteem.

Pisces

Mercury retrograde sees your Twindr account hacked by an AI generated seahorse, disguised as a Pleiadian, in the form of a narcissistic human with imposter syndrome. What? Although 2022 wasn't your year for selling vapes in the shape of eggplants, you did manage to skip a lot of ads. Loading 3 of 17 ........

Euglena Starwoman

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2022 Horror Scopes

 2022 Horror Scopes

With Euglena Starwoman, liked by others

Aries ♈️ 

New year, who dis?

2021 didn’t have much in store for you because the shops were closed, Silly! 😜 

Thankfully 2022 will be more promising, then not deliver because it’s an election year. Remember, we’re all in this conspiracy theory together. We’re just not sure which one. 

Taurus ♉️ 

When life throws you lemons, all of the juice squirts right in your eye. Like, all of it. Don’t spread yourself too thin, but you do need to stop the spread. Whack the butter in the freezer and head out for smashed inflated housing market on sourdough. Enjoy your soy flat white privilege in a cup or a mug or a shallow grave.

Gemini ♊️ 

Uranus narrowly avoids sextile with Bezos’ space junk. He could have sent an unsolicited rocket pic first. Do you even have a MemberShip with us? The new moon crosses the border as an essential twerker, inspiring you to end a relationship publicly and write a Taylor Swift song about it. Release it as an Adele album. 

Leo ♌️ 

Financially, it’s a great time to invest. Do your own research and find out how the ‘Barefoot Investor’ became so successful when most people prefer to wear shoes. If you’re looking for a home based project click here to purchase a DIY Spider-Man movie director kit. 1 star.

Cancer ♋️ 

Single? One night stand may be all you need as a few would clutter the bedroom and look ridiculous. If you’re searching for a new hobby try activism. Protest for the right to ignore everybody. As the crab of the zodiac your shell is your opinion shield. If you’re a Jenny, you can ‘woman-splain’ that rape is bad.

Virgo ♍️ 

In 2022 life will finally return to normal for the extinct Boulder Snail. If that’s not you, the floor is lava and you have to walk the tightrope of work - life. Balance! Ps the floor is always lava. Forever. Venus is in retrograde in your 11th house of friends with benefits: the reunion. You really hoped this was going to be a scripted episode.

Libra ♎️ 

Reflect on last year with ‘2021 explained’ YouTube videos before downloading season 2022. The incoherent storylines and unbelievable characters are set to continue this year. With mercury in retrograde, you will need to view the subtitles in reverse and certain scenes won’t be complete until you dream them into the plot. And just like that, Carrie Bradshaw was a centaur all along. Unsubscribe.

Scorpio ♏️ 

2022 is the year of the rabbit hole. After a binge on ASMR videos over the silly season you have become a plate of jelly. Commit to a fitness regime that reclaims your endoskeleton, like Pilates mehartes. Share if you remember what the lower half of a person’s face looks like.

Sagittarius ♐️ 

Mars and Saturn cross your 46th House of Parliament, nonchalantly pulling out the blocks of Democracy Jenga. Enjoy the edge of your seat.

It’s the perfect time to host an ‘agenda reveal party’ with a Trojan horse piñata and some non biodegradable corruption confetti. Lucky colours are dead coral coral and Black Friday sales.

Capricorn ♑️ 

2022 is a huge year of networking for  mycorrhizal fungi. Career wise, reinvent yourself as mycelium on Linkedin and add photosynthesis to your resume for a sustainable workplace. Mid year, you will finally get some ‘Me time’ whilst waiting to reopen the fridge after you’ve just closed it.

Aquarius ♒️ 

If your data has been feeling backed up lately it’s relieving to know that Meta-mucil is now a high-in-fibre social media empire with Virtual Reality laxatives. You should be able to log off regularly in the right privacy settings. You will find that the ‘meta’ refers to the fact that the universe itself, is already a simulation. Like all of us, you are the chosen one. Am I right, velociraptors? 

Pisces ♓️ 

You made it to 2022! Just breathe, all of the ventilators are taken. After such a whirlwind year be grateful that you didn’t need the leaf blower that you also don’t own. Manage to still yourself for a moment to hear your inner voice demanding Free Speech. There is no point arguing with your own opposing beliefs. You can’t subscribe unless you’ve been fully fascinated. 

Your 2021 Horror Scopes

 Aries

2021 slow claps you into the new year like an expectant Bond villain. “Well well well, Mrs Bond. Fancy seeing you here.” Distant explosions fade to sage smoke pluming from what appears to be the White House until the end of January Jones.

Taurus

Jupiter and Saturn appear to merge, ignoring all spacial distancing rules. Jupiter would have preferred Saturn to ring first, and at least wear a Mars. If you’re dreaming of a holiday you are probably at the REM stage of your sleep cycle.

Gemini

2020 closes with your average screen time report sung at you from the cast of ‘Rent’, “525 thousand, 600 minutes”. Meanwhile Earth wonders why she just gets a measly hour at the end of March when a few people turn their lights off. Gratitude ya’ll.

Cancer

Mercury moving into retrograde is a great time to finalise that Centrelink paperwork in ‘Wing Dings’ font. Follow this up by phoning Telstra from Optus and putting them on hold with each other in a static Muzak loop. Lucky colours are Tired eye tie dye and faded tattoo charcoal.

Leo

After pivoting through the super aggressive netball game that was 2020, you will spend most of this year on the bench cleaning orange wedges and boob sweat off your Goal Defence bib. Here if you need, Sharon. The new year is a time for grounding, particularly for airplanes.

Virgo

Looking for a creative project? Why not build a self-driving arc to navigate this planetary simulation controlled by reptilian overlords. You can never be too prepared for the oncoming quicksand-avalanche-solar shit storm around the corner. Click here to win ‘Sammy Sally JoJo’s sourdough starter kit’ with a bonus lip gloss.

Libra

2021 is the year of the vaccinated bat. It’s a relief to know that all of the bushfire affected animals fled to the safety of your isolation beard. Oh hello, there’s a few ‘extinction rebellion’ humans in there too. You can drastically increase the value of your property by dusting. 

Scorpio

Uranus transits through your toilet paper hoarding house, leaving the moon no square to spare. The great shortage of pasta and flour leaves you curious as to how people are using these products as toilet paper. You got leads?

Sagittarius 

In 2021 your work colleagues won’t take you seriously without that classic bookcase background. You can also fashion a book shelf as a high collar for any outdoor occasion. Share if you remember having memories.

Capricorn

With Venus subscribing to another true crime podcast about wellness dating off the grid, you will spend the first part of the year stuck in a Zoom waiting room. Just as you are about to discover the source of consciousness, you are invited into the meeting. Put some pants on. Mute.

Aquarius

2021 is the perfect time for you to flatten your curves and get into shape. A rectangular prism is especially handsome for the “stay-at-home” mum/dad/world citizen. You’re allowed to exercise outside for 3.7 minutes above the sewer drain in a cone of silence. Set some goals for the year, plot them on a graph and have it on my desk in the morning. 

Pisces

This year Pisces has been cancelled, leaving nothing but your past self to binge watch. For a more authentic viewing experience set up cardboard cut outs around the yard with pre recorded audience lorikeet squeals. Don’t forget a sculpture of a lady commentator and the Jobseeker cheerleaders. 

Be kind, rewind.

Euglena Star Woman 💋

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Your 2020 Horror Scopes

Aries

If you want to change the world, start by changing yourself by kickstarting an online petition for your own change at change.org. Tape a pair of bananas above your eyes to get that ‘statement eyebrows’ look.

Taurus

Expand your mine with a power-trip away to gain frequent fire points. Consider planning a nonchalant lei over. If tax-payer-funded travel is not on the cards at this time, a climate change is as good as a holiday. Who the bloody hell are you?

Gemini

2020 sees time speeding up and eventually collapsing on itself, allowing you to experience every moment at once. This leaves you in a predicament with your ’10 year Challenge’ pics. 

Lucky colours are ‘out of ink’ cyan and ‘remembering chlorophyll’ green.

Cancer

As Venus laughs hysterically at the irony of the term, ‘Religious Freedom’, it’s a great time for orthodoxy-morons to 3D print themselves a new personality. Take a risk by staying in your comfort zone for too long.

Leo

As the Zodiac Cats, your Jellicle moon is shining bright! Try to be less animated. 1 Star. 

A Jellicle business opportunity exists for you to sell wine online as an ‘under the Influencer’. 

Don’t forget to ‘Plan your lit legend’.

Virgo

2020 is all about rebranding, particularly for shapeshifting reptilians. Try an online make-up tutorial for contoured cheeks that stab anyone within a 34cm radius. Get a tattoo sleeve of some celery juice if you want anyone to take you seriously.

Libra

A blackhole tries to convert everyone to a planet based diet, although Uranus can be extra gassy. Limit your dietary requirements to foods that make your tongue itchy. 

Why not start a new fitness regime? ‘Flat Earthers’ may have difficulty getting into shape.

Scorpio

When Saturn adds ‘destabilisng societal structures’ to their story, it’s a great time to start following ‘Your Gut Instincts’ on Instagram. #yourgutinstincts. 

Rewrite your algorithm for world dominating dickosaurs of ye olde. Cancelled.

Sagittarius

With Jupiter joining Jameela Jamil’s giblets in your communications microbiome, you feel inspired to speak your mind. Instead of using social media as your platform, though, try whispering to an arthropod. It’s an exoskeleton suggestion.

Capricorn

The sun activates your 5th skin-tag chakra, urging you to replace your handheld devices with a magpie. Features include facial recognition technology, wireless connection, roaming, GPS, attacking you near their young, and many cool ring tones. A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush on NBN.

Aquarius

If you’re not really living this year then you’re probably dead.  Just remember that home is where the heart is. If you like natural light and ‘open plan living’, dissect your torso to the ‘Grand Designs’ theme. 

Pisces

Mercury retrograde sees the ghost of Louise Hay being sent to the outback animals instead of hay bails. The affirmations were helpful though, a 'Thoughts and prayers' buffet.

Stay on trend this new year and listen to K-pop through a pair of stinging blue bottles. 

Hugs from sunny purgatory

Euglena Star woman 

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2019 Horror scopes

Aries

Your new year starts with a bag of dick van dykes. Chimney sweep your way into 2019 as the Earth burns away human induced stress before an impending ice age chim cheroo. 

Giving zero fracks leaves you feeling less gassy.

Taurus

Jupiter throwing cheap confetti at strangers on the train means it’s a perfect time to declutter. Remember, if the space between the objects also doesn’t spark joy, get rid of it by filling it up with other dense objects. Your unlucky numbers are: any listed on your lotto ticket.

Gemini

Attempting to be your best self proves to be difficult when you find out that Nicole Kidman played a better version of you in some small release last May. Start a self-care regime by taking careful selfies, especially whilst driving off cliff faces.

Cancer

Mercury retrograde brings a sense of nostalgia, as you reminisce about a time when ‘Wellness’ meant looking after deep, dank holes in the ground. Ah, well. You may have a whale of a time at a music festival, provided there is mandatory krill testing. 

Leo

Two things are certain in your lifetime; death and taxes. And then your bank account is still taxed when you die. But if you play your caskets right, you’ll be laughing all the way to the Banking Royal Commission. You can lead a horse to 0% beer but you can’t make him drink it, obvs.

Virgo

Venus in your Gillette zone irritates sensitive skin when seemingly blunt. Take a break from social mediocre with some much needed “me too time’s up”. Why not try a popular beach tap dancing class or even release some passive-aggression with yoga boxing. Zen voibes bitches!

Libra

2019 sees you in the spotlight, losing your religion. Dance like the seatbelt sign isn’t lit for landing, sing like nobody is waiting for the verdict in a court hearing, scroll like nobody is trolling and walk like an Egyptian. Consider having more family time by trying a free one month trial subscription with them, no obligation. 

Scorpio

If only you could fit more time into the day to worry about the future. Try waking up through the night just to get in a little extra devastation contemplation. You may consider going away on a special “Worry” Retreat with some girlfriends. If you’re feeling a sudden ‘inner peace’ attack remember to replace mindful meditation with mine-full medication. Stress for success!

Sagittarius

This year Sagittarians are caught between the moon and New York City for offshore processing. You can’t have integration without interrogation. People will be more accepting of you when they finally don’t view you as a threat to their gravity. Tread lightly. Your lucky colours are: ‘bin juice pearl’ and 'washed crime scene peach’.

Capricorn

As the goats with the most, you are blessed for less in 2019. Use the lawn of attraction to turn yourself into a mower and shaker with hedge funds. An unplanned trip to Woollies sees you carrying oodles of groceries away in miniature dog poo bags.

Aquarius

Saturn shows up as a creepily chatty Uber driver in your forgotten passwords realm. An overpriced electricity bill leaves you feeling low on energy. Don’t burn the candle at both ends before seeing the bright side of Lifeline. Try switching your energy provider to Serena Williams, a more reliable source of power.

Pisces

As the moon completes another phase, you wonder why Keira Knightly hasn’t starred in your period drama, streaming monthly. Cut your ties… is a message to address Donald’s extended neck ties.

If a tree falls on some carpool karaoke, does anybody hear it?

Climb aboard a spinning microwave plate for further future predictions.

Yours Joustingly,

Euglena Star woman to the star women

2018 Horrorscopes with Euglena Star woman

Aries

A new year, a new ewe. Eclipse go the shear boys, eclipse eclipse eclipse. You’ve had the wool pulled from your eyes and the world is your oyster blade, but that could be bull. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new dag and you’re feeling fine.

Taurus 

With Jupiter opening an intimate Moustachery in your daycare zone, it’s the perfect time to say, ‘Daddy’, in your deepest voice, to a colony of ants. Keep a gratitude journal for the time you purchased that one avocado that was edible. 

Gemini

As the dual citizens of the zodiac you often find yourselves conflicted between your core values and food that is ‘cheeseburger’ flavoured. Accept things as they are. Remember, you cannot change others, but you can short change them by inventing a fake currency called ‘bitchcoin’.

Cancer

With Mercury passing through Chaka Khan’s shark chakras it may be time to rethink eating habitats. Kick that xmas leftover cold turkey addiction, cold turkey. No stuffing around. Your lucky colours are ‘bleached coral white’ and ‘plastic sea pollution silver’. 9 is a number.

Leo

The stars realign after a spacey probe moves through Uranus in your house of cards. Pass the power to the left hand side. Presidential roles in film and television will now be played by a bag of old onions. Auditions are also open for the next Bond 007 to be played by a drone in a tuxedo.

Virgo

Facebook announce that you are having a break from social media, then go and yell your random societal comments in public. Unleash your ill informed opinions at a Coles checkout. Somehow your imagined ’likes’ appear as red ‘prices are down’ hands. Lifehack: half a lemon on a stick makes a for a handy, rustic reading light.

Libra

Mars in the freezer with the prawn heads till bin day brings an urge to DIY NBN asap etc lol. If you are pregnant with possibilities apply for modernity leave and create art: official intelligence. 

Book a holiday just so you can instagram a plane wing.

Scorpio

With Jupiter now wanting to be known as Jennifer, it’s time to focus on cooking for a healthy mind. Childhood memories done in the slow cooker are juicy and tender to pull apart after 8 hours. This dish also pairs well with basically any trough of wine.  

Sagittarius

August 38 and 1/4 sees you confusing paying a govia toll with a murder mystery miniseries. ‘3 days to pay’ literally means that it takes 3 days for a motorist to process the payment. Consequently, someone in the village is stabbed in an admin rage, a very sad tale to toll.

Capricorn

Facetime a huge wheel of cheese for relationship advice. Singles could melt into a grate pear if you don’t spread yourselves too wafer thin. I mean, you don’t need to prosciutto yourself on every cheese block just to get the date. Maturity brings self worth.

Aquarius

The moon waxes lyrical about pulling yet another all-nighter. This coincides with your ancestry DNA test revealing that you’re actually racist against yourself. Instead of feeling beside yourself be upfront with people talking behind your back.

Pisces

Don’t start the new year as a fish out of water. Soak in a bathtub of liquor, bottle it and gift it to your friends as You infused Gin. If you’re struggling in the workplace throw a mortar board in the air every time a colleague makes eye contact. Take a metal health day to acknowledge your mosh pit of depression.