Aries
A new year, a new ewe. Eclipse go the shear boys, eclipse eclipse eclipse. You’ve had the wool pulled from your eyes and the world is your oyster blade, but that could be bull. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new dag and you’re feeling fine.
Taurus
With Jupiter opening an intimate Moustachery in your daycare zone, it’s the perfect time to say, ‘Daddy’, in your deepest voice, to a colony of ants. Keep a gratitude journal for the time you purchased that one avocado that was edible.
Gemini
As the dual citizens of the zodiac you often find yourselves conflicted between your core values and food that is ‘cheeseburger’ flavoured. Accept things as they are. Remember, you cannot change others, but you can short change them by inventing a fake currency called ‘bitchcoin’.
Cancer
With Mercury passing through Chaka Khan’s shark chakras it may be time to rethink eating habitats. Kick that xmas leftover cold turkey addiction, cold turkey. No stuffing around. Your lucky colours are ‘bleached coral white’ and ‘plastic sea pollution silver’. 9 is a number.
Leo
The stars realign after a spacey probe moves through Uranus in your house of cards. Pass the power to the left hand side. Presidential roles in film and television will now be played by a bag of old onions. Auditions are also open for the next Bond 007 to be played by a drone in a tuxedo.
Virgo
Facebook announce that you are having a break from social media, then go and yell your random societal comments in public. Unleash your ill informed opinions at a Coles checkout. Somehow your imagined ’likes’ appear as red ‘prices are down’ hands. Lifehack: half a lemon on a stick makes a for a handy, rustic reading light.
Libra
Mars in the freezer with the prawn heads till bin day brings an urge to DIY NBN asap etc lol. If you are pregnant with possibilities apply for modernity leave and create art: official intelligence.
Book a holiday just so you can instagram a plane wing.
Scorpio
With Jupiter now wanting to be known as Jennifer, it’s time to focus on cooking for a healthy mind. Childhood memories done in the slow cooker are juicy and tender to pull apart after 8 hours. This dish also pairs well with basically any trough of wine.
Sagittarius
August 38 and 1/4 sees you confusing paying a govia toll with a murder mystery miniseries. ‘3 days to pay’ literally means that it takes 3 days for a motorist to process the payment. Consequently, someone in the village is stabbed in an admin rage, a very sad tale to toll.
Capricorn
Facetime a huge wheel of cheese for relationship advice. Singles could melt into a grate pear if you don’t spread yourselves too wafer thin. I mean, you don’t need to prosciutto yourself on every cheese block just to get the date. Maturity brings self worth.
Aquarius
The moon waxes lyrical about pulling yet another all-nighter. This coincides with your ancestry DNA test revealing that you’re actually racist against yourself. Instead of feeling beside yourself be upfront with people talking behind your back.
Pisces
Don’t start the new year as a fish out of water. Soak in a bathtub of liquor, bottle it and gift it to your friends as You infused Gin. If you’re struggling in the workplace throw a mortar board in the air every time a colleague makes eye contact. Take a metal health day to acknowledge your mosh pit of depression.
Brilliant!
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