Aries
In 2024 it’s time to shine…for your screens. Not you, silly. Adjust your brightness settings! Socially, set some healthy boundaries, even if you are a bound Aries. Some people will take a fence, but it is important for you to maintain the range. Fleece navidad.
Taurus
AI is finally here to be the best version of you this year. Embrace your authentic deep fake-ness, and completely outsource your true existence. This is a timely move, since Neptune’s nepo babies hoard all of the galaxy’s resources from the 55th of May. Meditate on radical acceptance, and accept cookies just as they are, without judgement.
Gemini
Mars (She/Him/They) travels through your wealth and hellness sector, encouraging you to self-care for others. Cosmetic surgery could also give you the lift you need, but try not to book the teeth widening procedure like last year. Cleaning Hack: Get eyelash extensions so you can work as a chimney sweep.
Cancer
2024 is destined to be expansive for you. Oh, apologies, dang autocorrect. That should read, ‘expensive.’ Throw your mortarboard in the air like you’ve graduated with honours, every time the eftpos machine says ‘approved’. Boost your self esteem by holding a coronation for yourself on the next loony eclipse.
Leo
2023 was the Chinese year of the rabbit in a waistcoat with a pocket watch. After following him through whatever that was, you re-emerge on a very important date, even though you’re late. Enter the dragon of 2024. Thank god! A giant reptile with tiny wing decorations that spreads fire with it’s breath. Get ready to book a trip on a plane that drops gallons of water.
Virgo
Home buyer, m’lord. Home buyer. Get creative with DIY renovations by substituting traditional building materials with slime. Jupiter is throwing a party in your comfort zone, and you’re not invited. What is Julia Roberts doing there? Perhaps it’s time to meet more like minded friends. An ice bath can be a great way to break the ice.
Libra
Due to the writers strike, 2024 has not been written for Libra yet. We do know that it is set to star Adam Driver as every character, animal and object though. He is also the set. Meanwhile, there is still plenty of entertainment to stream, like your consciousness. Normalise normality.
Scorpio
The numerology for 2024 is 8, which means we did grade 2 maths. The number 8 signifies something to someone, somewhere. It’s the perfect time to achieve balance by combining business with pressure. Update your home insurance to include the incoming ice age.
Global Warming: Follow me for more slow cooker recipes.
Sagittarius
Plant based products can be great, but after reading too many bad Google reviews about photosynthesis, you decide to order the big pharma parmigiana. Financial opportunities exist for those who Airbnb out their guts to backpacking bacteria and other meandering microbes.
If you are single and looking for a hot date; July 10, 1913 was 56.7 degrees celsius. Smokin!
Capricorn
Mercury in retrograde for the first part of the year forces you to endure cricket commentary jokes from 1986. Boobenheimer. As an Earth sign, spend some time in the garden doing sick burn outs in your monster ute that doesn’t fit in the garage, or the house, or the airport hanger. You know what they say, ‘big ute, big uterus’.
Aquarius
As Uranus tries out your new noise cancelling undies, it’s the perfect time to write a country song about the time you left your phone torch on. Picture your audience holding their phones with the torches on. Healthwise, microdosing on microplastics has you questioning whether gravity aligns with your core beliefs.
Pisces
Release a film about your last gig to no one called, ‘Nothing, nowhere, never happened’. Give em the old razzle dazzle with all the glitz and glamour of tumbleweeds and dust. Attend the premiere in the on-trend ladies fashion that is Woody Allen’s old clothes.
Mantra: I’m so itchy, like something is biting me all the time.
Yours hormonally,
Euglena Starwoman
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