Aries
March 21 – April 20
The planets have aligned for the Nutbush
City Limits. With scrub turkeys foraging in your bin juice sector, you will
observe the pecking order at Daycare. Take a risk and choose a dessert off the
sushi train.
Taurus
April 21 – May 21
With Mars going direct on the eleventieth
of Septober you can look forward to performing a rhythmic gymnastics routine in
a parking lot elevator. Mind the dismount. Paypal was invented by Staffies with
online shopping addictions.
Gemini
May 22 – June 22
It may be time to put on your Jorna Lame
fitness gear and workout some algebra equations. For great dieting tips and
summery recipes buy yourself a copy of ‘The Hungry Caterpillar’.
Cancer
June 23 – July 24
You have two diseases named after you,
Cancer and Crabs. Don’t beat yourself up. Your glass is not half empty, because
I drank the rest while you were reading the first two sentences. Always look on
the bright side of life drawing.
Leo
July 25 – August 23
After joining a cult called Optus, you seem
to have lost your connection with the outside world. YES. Depressed and lonely,
you are just a number. Socially, you have reached your data limit for the
month.
Virgo
August 24 – September 23
This year reinvent yourself as a whole new
purse on …. another person’s shoulder. Embrace change and take notes. You carry
the key to your destination, as well as tampons and lip gloss.
Libra
September 24 – October 23
The moon is currently in your Worst Ever Instagram
Pictures zone. A filter cannot help you out here. Try to start a game of
musical chairs on public transport and order a coffee without sounding racist.
Scorpio
October 24 – November 22
As a water sign you crave a sea change and
move into a dribble castle on the shoreline. Hopefully you enjoy renovating,
because you will need to every time the tide turns. Further property developing
opportunities exist if you’re building a city on rock’n’roll.
Saggyhairyarse
November 23 – December 22
With Shakira’s hair regrowth in your 3rd
house of eel chowder your finances are looking up. Mr Dow Jones and me told
eachother fairytales. A hot tip would be to invest in a thing called an
abacus.
Capricorn
December 23 – January 19
You have a tendency to wear your heart on
your sleeve. Team this with a matching aorta on your collar for a fun fashion
statement. Nurture your inner child by looking at a smart phone for consecutive
hours.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 19
With Venus in your stars a blossoming romance
turns into a blossoming fungal infection. You inspire a new Disney movie
called, “UTI and the Yeast”. Get back to basics. Cocktails are too expensive.
Pisces
February 20 – March 20
With Jupiter distracted by a stream of cat
memes you finally meet that special lap dancing iguana via your Tindr profile.
Your medicine ball earrings are not as lucrative as you’d hoped.
