2014

March 21 – April 20

It may be time to head to the gym and sculpt some new abs out of clay. Tailor a new exercise routine to suit your needs by enjoying a thick cigar and a hefty stein of beer during a cardio workout. It’s all about balance. If you’re looking to score some extra cash go snorkeling in a coin filled fountain.

      April 21 – May 21

With Saturn hijacking your Facebook status and changing your profile picture to Uranus, it may be time to consider removing that vibrant tattoo of a single dinosaur boob. I guess it was popular at the time. If you haven’t been feeling yourself lately, try not to do it in public when you do.

      May 22 – June 22

Due to a total eclipse of the heart, once upon a time you were falling in love but now you’re only falling apart. There’s nothing you can do. Singles, sparks will fly once you commence a welding project in a crowded nightclub.

      June 23 – July 24

If you’ve been looking for a new challenge try hula hooping in a phone booth. Dotting your ‘i’s and crossing your ‘t’s may be difficult if you are typing. Unexpected obstacles will appear if texting whilst walking. Get a guide dog.

    July 25 – August 23

Don’t sit by the phone waiting for Saturn to ring you. Time for a fresh new look? Scrunch your face up really tight, tuck your lips into your face and sag your jowls. Can you believe we’re not all wearing silver jumpsuits with giant triangular collars by now? Every cloud has a silver lion in.

   August 24 – September 23

If you have been overanalyzing a situation it may be because you’re not getting enough iron, wait, maybe calcium. Actually, you really need another coffee to keep up with that girl you’re jealous of because she has a perfect horse mouth. But maybe you just need a time out at the butchers because that’s your happy place.

    September 24 – October 23

Career wise, it may be time to update your resume using only hash tags and emoji monkeys. You may achieve inner peace through the awkward silence filled conversations with the in-laws. Pluto leaves you feeling gassy.

    October 23 – November 21

If you’ve been walking around with your head in the clouds you may be experiencing some turbulence. Make sure you store your emotional baggage in the overhead compartment. Wear a light and a whistle for attracting attention at meditation class.

       Novermber 24 – December 21

A spontaneous weekend trip has you performing an unsuccessful flash mob in a mosque. Abort moonwalk. Time for some much needed retail therapy? Divulge your childhood traumas to an unsuspecting MYER sales assistant.

       December 22 – January 19

Don’t be afraid to let people know that you love Labradors in sheer panty hose. You may find that your friends already know because I posted it on Facebook. The movements of Uranus are due to your recent exposure to Earth, wind and fibre. Funky.

     January 20 – February 18

You’re perfectionist weighs can be exhorseting. A cheer leading squad can help motivate you with the household chores. Why not also have them aid your performance in the bedroom. You can lead a horse to water, but not if it’s on a carousel.

       February 19 – March 20

The planets have lined up to dance the ‘Nutbush’ in your scuba diving lingerie sector. On the home front there’s usually a verandah, steps, a door and some windows. When you wish upon a star I would recommend Nicole Kidman, but try not to squash her, and step off gently.

2013

March 21 – April 20

With Mars forcing you to work, rent and pay, you may be ready for a change of pace. Drink 17 coffees before midday then slow it down with a gallon of stout. Then you can call your liver your ‘deader’. But if it’s really a holiday you need; Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, come on, pretty mama.

       April 21 – May 21

Your erogenous zone may heat up after a few too many facebook pokes in Uranus. Be sure to use plenty of asteroid cream and avoid contact with Saturn’s ring. Spend some more time with your significant udders



. Your lucky colours are liver spots mahogany and whale boob silver.

     May 22 – June 22

You may be filled with agitation as many moons (typo: morons) re-enter the Big Brother house in your Gold Coast bogan sector. It may be time to plan a family getaway. Grab a case of wine and lock the door. Wait, actually that’s the ‘getaway, family’. Send them my love. Soul searching? It’s in Korea (with an extra ‘e’ to disguise itself.)

    June 23 – July 24

Do something spontaneous with your partner. Start a congo line at Coles, use your belly button as a well for ants, or instagram a selfie of anyone but yourself. Perhaps take a picture of a vegetable in the shape of genitals; a vegenital. If you have been holding a flame for someone take the candle out of their ear after 15 minutes and commence earwax sculptures!

     July 25 – August 23

Your household budget may be tight due to a decision to invest all of your money into a D-grade celebrity line of skin-tight denim lingerie. Take some super saving tips from mother birds and feed your family by regurgitating your meals into your childrens’ mouths. Now, that’s feeding the family for under $10.

     August 24 – September 23

You may lack focus and find that you are easily distracted airplane zebra shopping list boys choir instant coffee. Try meditating in a park filled with leaf blowers. Serenity now! With Mercury in retrograde your business meetings will involve awkward interpretive dance.

     September 24 – October 23

Renovations around the home may occur during a full moon, or at least a tradie’s substantial arse crack. This is also how they accept payment these days. Swipe and sign. Singles, if you have been on dates lately and had no action, try a stronger laxative. Couples may find themselves on Noah’s Arc.

      October 23 – November 21

Scorpios, with that sting in your tail, try to lay off the spicy foods. Wanting to make some extra cash? Stockings and needle shares have gone up on the prostitution market. Note that one in the hand job is worth two in the butch. If you’re looking for a fun activity with the kids, play skirmish in an art gallery.

November 22 – December 21

Fulfill your sense of adventure by typing an address into Apple Maps and see where you end up. It’s like a mystery flight. You may even be better off taking ‘Dora, the Explorer’ as your travel guide. “We did it!” Treat yourself to some home cooking by setting a house on fire.

        December 22 – January 19

A close friendship may be tested since you decided to give Christmas gifts purchased from a public toilet vending machine. Who would have thought ancient condoms and tampons had an expiry date? Time for a makeover? Take a hideous ‘Before’ picture and pout like a cat’s anus photo-bombing your face in the ‘After’ shot.

     January 20 – February 18

With Jupiter disguised as a power-ball in your dishwasher, you are faced with a legal matter involving a DNA test to see if you are the father of a porcelain goat named Stefan. If you haven’t saved any Pennies lately, why not try saving Denises or Susans’. Sharons’ can wait.

        February 19 – March 20

If you’re trying to get rid of a few pounds, where do you expect the orphan dogs to live? Selfish! Over weight? I’m over it too. Start a petition to abolish gravity. If you are too shy to make the first move on your knight, this game of chess will take ages. At lease begin with some hardcore pawn.