2014

March 21 – April 20

It may be time to head to the gym and sculpt some new abs out of clay. Tailor a new exercise routine to suit your needs by enjoying a thick cigar and a hefty stein of beer during a cardio workout. It’s all about balance. If you’re looking to score some extra cash go snorkeling in a coin filled fountain.

      April 21 – May 21

With Saturn hijacking your Facebook status and changing your profile picture to Uranus, it may be time to consider removing that vibrant tattoo of a single dinosaur boob. I guess it was popular at the time. If you haven’t been feeling yourself lately, try not to do it in public when you do.

      May 22 – June 22

Due to a total eclipse of the heart, once upon a time you were falling in love but now you’re only falling apart. There’s nothing you can do. Singles, sparks will fly once you commence a welding project in a crowded nightclub.

      June 23 – July 24

If you’ve been looking for a new challenge try hula hooping in a phone booth. Dotting your ‘i’s and crossing your ‘t’s may be difficult if you are typing. Unexpected obstacles will appear if texting whilst walking. Get a guide dog.

    July 25 – August 23

Don’t sit by the phone waiting for Saturn to ring you. Time for a fresh new look? Scrunch your face up really tight, tuck your lips into your face and sag your jowls. Can you believe we’re not all wearing silver jumpsuits with giant triangular collars by now? Every cloud has a silver lion in.

   August 24 – September 23

If you have been overanalyzing a situation it may be because you’re not getting enough iron, wait, maybe calcium. Actually, you really need another coffee to keep up with that girl you’re jealous of because she has a perfect horse mouth. But maybe you just need a time out at the butchers because that’s your happy place.

    September 24 – October 23

Career wise, it may be time to update your resume using only hash tags and emoji monkeys. You may achieve inner peace through the awkward silence filled conversations with the in-laws. Pluto leaves you feeling gassy.

    October 23 – November 21

If you’ve been walking around with your head in the clouds you may be experiencing some turbulence. Make sure you store your emotional baggage in the overhead compartment. Wear a light and a whistle for attracting attention at meditation class.

       Novermber 24 – December 21

A spontaneous weekend trip has you performing an unsuccessful flash mob in a mosque. Abort moonwalk. Time for some much needed retail therapy? Divulge your childhood traumas to an unsuspecting MYER sales assistant.

       December 22 – January 19

Don’t be afraid to let people know that you love Labradors in sheer panty hose. You may find that your friends already know because I posted it on Facebook. The movements of Uranus are due to your recent exposure to Earth, wind and fibre. Funky.

     January 20 – February 18

You’re perfectionist weighs can be exhorseting. A cheer leading squad can help motivate you with the household chores. Why not also have them aid your performance in the bedroom. You can lead a horse to water, but not if it’s on a carousel.

       February 19 – March 20

The planets have lined up to dance the ‘Nutbush’ in your scuba diving lingerie sector. On the home front there’s usually a verandah, steps, a door and some windows. When you wish upon a star I would recommend Nicole Kidman, but try not to squash her, and step off gently.