2013

March 21 – April 20

With Mars forcing you to work, rent and pay, you may be ready for a change of pace. Drink 17 coffees before midday then slow it down with a gallon of stout. Then you can call your liver your ‘deader’. But if it’s really a holiday you need; Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, come on, pretty mama.

       April 21 – May 21

Your erogenous zone may heat up after a few too many facebook pokes in Uranus. Be sure to use plenty of asteroid cream and avoid contact with Saturn’s ring. Spend some more time with your significant udders



. Your lucky colours are liver spots mahogany and whale boob silver.

     May 22 – June 22

You may be filled with agitation as many moons (typo: morons) re-enter the Big Brother house in your Gold Coast bogan sector. It may be time to plan a family getaway. Grab a case of wine and lock the door. Wait, actually that’s the ‘getaway, family’. Send them my love. Soul searching? It’s in Korea (with an extra ‘e’ to disguise itself.)

    June 23 – July 24

Do something spontaneous with your partner. Start a congo line at Coles, use your belly button as a well for ants, or instagram a selfie of anyone but yourself. Perhaps take a picture of a vegetable in the shape of genitals; a vegenital. If you have been holding a flame for someone take the candle out of their ear after 15 minutes and commence earwax sculptures!

     July 25 – August 23

Your household budget may be tight due to a decision to invest all of your money into a D-grade celebrity line of skin-tight denim lingerie. Take some super saving tips from mother birds and feed your family by regurgitating your meals into your childrens’ mouths. Now, that’s feeding the family for under $10.

     August 24 – September 23

You may lack focus and find that you are easily distracted airplane zebra shopping list boys choir instant coffee. Try meditating in a park filled with leaf blowers. Serenity now! With Mercury in retrograde your business meetings will involve awkward interpretive dance.

     September 24 – October 23

Renovations around the home may occur during a full moon, or at least a tradie’s substantial arse crack. This is also how they accept payment these days. Swipe and sign. Singles, if you have been on dates lately and had no action, try a stronger laxative. Couples may find themselves on Noah’s Arc.

      October 23 – November 21

Scorpios, with that sting in your tail, try to lay off the spicy foods. Wanting to make some extra cash? Stockings and needle shares have gone up on the prostitution market. Note that one in the hand job is worth two in the butch. If you’re looking for a fun activity with the kids, play skirmish in an art gallery.

November 22 – December 21

Fulfill your sense of adventure by typing an address into Apple Maps and see where you end up. It’s like a mystery flight. You may even be better off taking ‘Dora, the Explorer’ as your travel guide. “We did it!” Treat yourself to some home cooking by setting a house on fire.

        December 22 – January 19

A close friendship may be tested since you decided to give Christmas gifts purchased from a public toilet vending machine. Who would have thought ancient condoms and tampons had an expiry date? Time for a makeover? Take a hideous ‘Before’ picture and pout like a cat’s anus photo-bombing your face in the ‘After’ shot.

     January 20 – February 18

With Jupiter disguised as a power-ball in your dishwasher, you are faced with a legal matter involving a DNA test to see if you are the father of a porcelain goat named Stefan. If you haven’t saved any Pennies lately, why not try saving Denises or Susans’. Sharons’ can wait.

        February 19 – March 20

If you’re trying to get rid of a few pounds, where do you expect the orphan dogs to live? Selfish! Over weight? I’m over it too. Start a petition to abolish gravity. If you are too shy to make the first move on your knight, this game of chess will take ages. At lease begin with some hardcore pawn.