2012

Aries

March 21 – April 20

Who put the ram in the ram a lama dig dong? People will be drawn to you if you are in a tattoo parlour, often Bob Marley, Jim Morrison, Che Guevara or Jesus. Try to keep them from your neck, lower back or ankle regions. If you are currently experiencing conflict in your life it is because you are an arsehole.

Taurus

April 21 – May 21

Uranus requires careful bleaching after traveling through your passage of unidentifiable curries. The karma from your korma may require some time on the vindaloo. It won't be long before the sun shines out of Uranus again.

Gemini

May 22 – June 22

Looking for love? It was last seen in one of Whoopi Goldberg's dreadlocks during the filming of 'Jumpin Jack Flash'. Love is in the hair. Yes. Keep your eyes peeled, as you may meet that special someone cleaning the gutter with their tongue outside Centrelink.

Cancer

June 23 – July 24

The moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie. That's a moray eel. If you put all of your eggs into one basket, you will have  difficulty conceiving. If you feel like you are not being heard, put on a barrister wig and squawk like a seagull at your local library. Single? Add an 's' to the end of your name and then you will be plural.

Leo

July 25 – August 23

Your social life is about to take off with 3 new facebook friends who have no idea who you are. Keep up to date with the dull self promotion of strangers. Feeling disconnected? Return to your true self on myspace by meditating with the virtual tumbleweeds at low speed. Always follow your extincts.

Virgo

August 24 – September 23

With Neptune and Jupiter snogging awkwardly in your 10th house of microderm abrasion, you will finally discover why the ancient Egyptians always looked sideways and had black triangles instead of pubic hair. Take a well deserved break. Fall asleep on the train after work and end up at Bundamba Station with a penis drawn on your forehead. 

Libra

September 24 – October 23

It's time for a makeover. Inject so much botox into your face that you can only communicate your feelings via emoticons.  Financially speaking; assets, dividends, equity, shares, currency. How can you let go of the past if you have a recycling bin?

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21

Now is a time for change, particularly if you have been seated in front of a pokie machine since the late 70s. Ker-ching! With Mercury in retro, you'll at least been in fashion. Let someone know how you feel. They may use their hands too, unless they have been blessed with antennae.

Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21

Your current moon is a little full, with some crater damage exposed. Start a new fitness regime. Organise a group of friends to go to the gym for a spit roast BBQ. Pick up some extra money this month by selling small suspicious packages of Napisan to unsuspecting teenagers at parties. Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother you're staying alive.

Capricorn
December 22 - January 19

The sun near your skin is in your zone of Cancer. Evolve back into an ape for sun protection. If not, wear a human size condom and remember to swim between the fags. You may find that someone in you family is related to you. Don't be alarmed. You could meet someone online who shares your love of soiled nappies and clown make-up.

Aquarius
January 20 - February 18

With Mercury in retrograde affecting communication you will accidentally text your employer with the news that they left their undies in the fish tank, and last night's date that you can't make work due to gastro. Right on. You will get a pay rise once you do three flips and a somersault off the high beam. Smile superficially upon dismount then pull out a giant leotard wedgie. $$

Pisces
February 19 - March 20

There is no time like the present. So what the hell is wrong with Dr Who then? The New Moon Eclipse lines up for more overrated teen vampire movies. Have a threesome already. Is it time to leave your spouse for your smartphone? To have and to be on hold on a 24 month plan till death do your sim card? Ido Iphone...

2011

Aries

March 21 – April 20

Your moon shows unfortunate signs in Uranus, exposing a backlog of unwanted clutter. Sometimes it’s best to fight fire with fibre. This could be the opening you’ve been waiting for.

Taurus

April 21 – May 21

This is a great time to break out of your comfort zone. Wear a barbed wire g-string attached to a semi-trailer, then walk to your nearest hair salon and order a cabbage and nurofen pizza. Love is blind so learn to look for the guide dogs.

Gemini

May 22 – June 22

The Goddess of Love just gave you the finger out the back door of a Toyota Corolla. Perhaps it is time to spice up your love life. Try lacing your bed sheets with wasabi and watch the sparks fly. Singles should play tennis.

Cancer

June 23 – July 24

Financial opportunities exist if you sleep with a football team and tell your story to Womens Weekly. All you need is a mobile phone picture of an average boob next to an athlete’s nostril. Remember, the best things in life are freaks.

Leo

July 25 – August 23

Mars is in your 6th house of doing zumba whilst on heat. You will be feeling spiritual so light a candle and set a wasps nest on fire. Take time to spend with your family, 2 minutes, 17 seconds should be enough.

Virgo

August 24 – September 23

Stars are looking good for moving up the career ladder, just not your career ladder, unless you are a chimney sweeper. It may also be time to take your current relationship to the next level, and blow up the doll so it is fully inflatable.

Libra

September 24 – October 23

When one door closes, another one opens. Perhaps you should get a decent locksmith to rectify this problem. Since Mercury is in retrograde you need to walk backwards whilst talking. Don’t sign anything without rude graffiti.

Scorpio

October 24 – November 22

Since Venus has posted photos of your inner left thigh’s third nipple on the internet, you are feeling rather vulnerable. Find yourself by turning on a GPS and typing in your current address. If you are feeling a little off-colour, go easy on the orange fake tan.

Saggyhairyarse

November 23 – December 22

This is a turning point for Sagittarians, leaving you feeling dizzy but well prepared for impromptu skating twirls. There is light at the end of the tunnel but you could also be inside a torch. Remember, actions speak louder than words so play charades 24-7.

Capricorn

December 23 – January 19

Take control of your finances by loaning money to the bank and charging twice as much interest to pay you back. Interest rates are uninteresting. It’s time for personal growth. Eat a yak. Good stars for somersaulting through Eurasia.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 19

Try not to dwell on the past. It is daylight saving and all the other states are an hour ahead. If you have been feeling ignored at work, put a camel with rabies in you office chair and see if anyone notices. Take your credit card on a date and make sure it pays.

Pisces

February 20 – March 20

A solar eclipse in your house of tap dancing pythons means you need to avoid people who say lol. If Saturn wanted Jupiter he should’ve put a ring on it. Try something new, see a movie in 2D.

2010

Aries March 21 – April 20
With the planets aligned for love, you may feel a little awkward with Saturn exposing its ring so close to Uranus. Wear a full length poncho with plastic goggles and hope for the best.
You will be reunited with an old flame that will leave you with an unwanted gas bill.

Taurus April 21 – May 21
Lately, you find there are just not enough hours in the day. Count your time in minutes or even seconds, and you will find that there are a lot more of than 24 of those.
Make sure you spend some quality time with the kids, but be sure to ask their parents first.

Gemini May 22 – June 21
This year all of your dreams will come true. You will shave your arms, your teeth will fall out, you will go to work in your undies, you will have sex with someone you’re related to, and then finally give birth to a frisky zebra. Who could ask for anything more? Dreams come true after all. 

Cancer June 22 – July 23
With Jupiter having too many drinks and vomiting in the toilet all night, you will find a deep connection with sewing machines. Just remember to take it slow before you sew your seeds with the right one. It’s also a great time to replace your carpet with astro turf.

Leo July 24 – August 23
It’s about time you took better care of yourself. Wrap your body in several layers of bubble wrap and wear a helmet with knee and elbow pads. Safe and sexy. 
Why not head to the gym and ask if they’ve read any good books lately. Do you have fly buys?

Virgo August 24 – September 23
You need to take a good look at your finances. The hard, circular ones are called coins, and the colourful, papery ones are called notes. It is quite complex but if you keep your eye on the 8 ball you will probably trip over furniture and small pets.

Libra September 24 – October 23
The waxing moon needs you to wax your legs. After all, a brazilian in the hand is worth two in the bush. 
Nurture your competitive streak by putting on a netball bib and racing against the greyhounds down at the track. There are plenty of muzzles to go around.

Scorpio October 24 – November 22
Now is a good time for you to try your hand at redecorating. Head to your local grocery store to try out a few ideas, like swapping the lamb chops with the toilet paper.
If you have a partner, do-se-do and promenade back home.

Sagittarius November 23 – December 21
Mars is currently in your zone of patting your head whilst rubbing your tummy.
This is time to spend with family. Try a family of ducks. If your waddle is convincing enough mother duck will treat you as one of her own.
There are career opportunities for those looking for average jobs.

Capricorn December 22 – January 20
Venus is hogging the bed sheets again, forcing you to reluctantly buy a Snuggy. You may find that people will avoid you, as the Snuggy makes you look like the Grim Reaper.
You have a lot of work commitments so why not take the next step and propose to your job.

Aquarius January 21 – February 19 
You’re finally starting to find your feet again this year. Remember, they are at the bottom of your bendy, leggy type bits. 
It’s time for an overseas trip. Grab an albatross’ leg and see how far you get. Don’t forget your Duty Free shopping.

Pisces February 20 – March 20
Surround yourself with positive people and see how long it takes you to make them angry. 
You may finally meet your knight in shining armour, but he has a very busy jousting schedule, and quite a few ‘fights-to-the-death’ booked in.
You’re the voice, try and understand it.

2009

Aries March 21- April 20

Saturn has moved in and still hasn’t paid the rent for weeks. There is no food in the fridge, there are cigarette burns on the couch, and the kitty litter is repulsive. Saturn needs to be evicted.
There are financial opportunities if you sell your kidneys on Ebay.

Taurus April 21 – May 20

Singles will be flat yellow plastic squares that are deemed cheese.
Love at first sight exists for very shallow people. Remember to ask permission before attempting intercourse with someone. Such a situation could be awkward at your local shopping centre.

Gemini May 21 – June 21

As Pluto enters Uranus you may need to get that colonic irrigation a little earlier than expected.
After the second lunar eclipse you will momentarily turn into a pumpkin with extreme nostril hair.
Wear a corset every second day and fry eggs for Stephanie on the hour.

Cancer June 22 – July 23

Communication will be the key this year because like something is um like blah blah…..look, a moose!
You will excel at public speaking, but don’t make eye contact or your audience will attack. Stand tall and still like a tree. Welcome dog urination.

Leo July 24 – August 23

Love is in the air, so you need to book a flight if you wanna git some. For those on the ground, you will have financial ups and downs, with your credit card getting into trampolining. Business will boom with the aid of grenades. Step outside if you wish to gain the benefits from the insurance money.

Virgo August 21 – September 23

This is a year for home renovations. Who says it needs to be your house? Knock down your neighbours’ kitchen walls and smash up their bathroom. Do it unannounced, so as to surprise them.
Your true love will come to you and tell you that your vibrator needs batteries to work. If it turns blue, you’re pregnant.

Libra September 24 – October 23

It’s time for you to be a kid again. Try on the size 2 ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ jumpsuit at Best’n’Less, then complain or through a tantrum if it doesn’t fit. The sales assistants will think you’re just adorable.
Healthwise, your body will start to decay if you are already dead. Visit the Clinique ladies at David Jones. They too, are dead, but well preserved.

Scorpio October 24 – November 22

Jupiter is in your zone of love, but you decided to use it as a fitness ball. Great thighs, by the way.
It is a great year for social networking, but with ants rather than humans. You’ll build the dream dirt nest you always wanted. Take out home insurance in case it rains.

Sagittarius November 23 – December 22

Travel is on the cards this year. Unfortunately, cards are not a very efficient form of transport. Take the train over the Ace of Spades.
Family is also very important this year. In previous years, they’ve been utterly insignificant. But you will at least notice that they are there this year, even if you do ignore their phone calls.

Capricorn December 23 – January 20

High on the hill is a lonely goat, olay olay olay hee hoo. Pluto will bring you an average cup of tea on a saucer then expect to steal your inheritance. Don’t get sucked in by the black hole.
Some people quite enjoy cheesecake. Buy a silver pony and slap its right arse cheek.

Aquarius – January 21 – February 19

Aquarians need to remember to relax this year. You can do this after you pay off your debts, take in the washing, get a promotion, walk like an Egyptian, Send in the Clowns, get married to a door knob, and realign the universe. Relax, damn it, RELAX!

Pisces February 20 – March 20

Do a somersault over negativity and hold hands with a plant named Roger. You will attract mosquitos and sand flies into your life if you do not wear insect repellent.
You will gain clarity from reading public toilet doors, “Nicky %$#@ed Simon”, “Rhonda is a wanker”. Open your heart and flush the toilet.

2008

Aries
Mars has done a back flip over Jupiter and made Venus feel very inadequate, so this month you’ll have some financial worries if you don’t earn any money. And with the moon feeling self-conscious about acne problems this month, you’ll be sure to meet that special someone at Fridays.

Taurus
Due to your many failed internet relationships recently, you are the current Zodiac loser. Things are looking up though, as the moon brings promising prospects of vasectomies, plummeting poverty at the casino, and degrading taunts from the B105 secret sound. 

Gemini
Due to the revelation of a new Batman film in the making you are at an all time low this month. Whilst communication is regarded as a gift to most Geminis, you should probably shut up for a change. An old flame returns and leaves you with a huge gas bill.

Cancer
With your planets all lined up this month, you’ll be moving your limbs to get from place to place. You may feel tempted to eat meals, wear shoes and splurge on various essential human functions. Don’t be afraid to inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. This may be the pick-me-up you need.

Leo
It’s time to confront that hyena which has been raising your mane lately. Treat this as a time for personal growth and indulge in some fresh zebra carcass in grassy fields. Don’t become too complacent with your domination, and remember that there are other things to life than being at the top of the food chain. Every gazelle has a silver lining.

Virgo
In order to pay some bills this month you need to pass GO successfully without being sent to jail. Your fate this month is controlled by chance and which ever way the dice rolls. Trafalgar Square awaits you, although it may seem very 2 dimensional. Single? Well, aren’t you a huge loser then.

Libra
You’ve been very close to females lately, yet feel like you’re just being used. In the workplace you may have issues with rival, Carefree, but you are given wings after sticking to the undies at hand. You’ll also have a heavy family reunion with maxipads, ultrathins, overnights and pantyliners. Say hi to them for me.

Scorpio
As Mercury, the planet of huge vibrators moves closer, you get a lucky career break by throwing burnt toast at strangers. This is also a promising month for you in love and serial killing, with victims flourishing in both areas. You dog, you. 

Sagitarius
As the milky way and all galaxies alike scurry into your undies, here comes the break you’ve been looking for. You could win the lotto, but probably not. You could marry a member of the royal family but I doubt it. You could even transform into a constantly sexually satisfied robot that rules the world, but get real, what the hell is wrong with you?

Capricorn
If you turn on the light in your house it will be easier to see at night. Don’t get so downhearted at the prospect of being saturated with lifestyle reality television. There is a new show coming out called Beer Eye for the Straight Sly. We’re the kids in America, awhoa.

Aquarius
You will be quite moody this month. This is the result of an old rusted school compass in your rectum. You could take it out but this may cause astronomical chaos, with the cow jumping over the moon, and all of the satellite dishes running away with spoons. Remember, a compass in the rectum is worth 2 in the bush.

Pisces
It’s time to get back to all those things you’ve been putting off; scuffling like a lobster when approaching a bank teller, impersonating Danii Minogue with rabies at an academic institution, and taking your star signs seriously. Keep out of reach of children. This is a general statement rather than one that refers exclusively to poisons.