2011

Aries

March 21 – April 20

Your moon shows unfortunate signs in Uranus, exposing a backlog of unwanted clutter. Sometimes it’s best to fight fire with fibre. This could be the opening you’ve been waiting for.

Taurus

April 21 – May 21

This is a great time to break out of your comfort zone. Wear a barbed wire g-string attached to a semi-trailer, then walk to your nearest hair salon and order a cabbage and nurofen pizza. Love is blind so learn to look for the guide dogs.

Gemini

May 22 – June 22

The Goddess of Love just gave you the finger out the back door of a Toyota Corolla. Perhaps it is time to spice up your love life. Try lacing your bed sheets with wasabi and watch the sparks fly. Singles should play tennis.

Cancer

June 23 – July 24

Financial opportunities exist if you sleep with a football team and tell your story to Womens Weekly. All you need is a mobile phone picture of an average boob next to an athlete’s nostril. Remember, the best things in life are freaks.

Leo

July 25 – August 23

Mars is in your 6th house of doing zumba whilst on heat. You will be feeling spiritual so light a candle and set a wasps nest on fire. Take time to spend with your family, 2 minutes, 17 seconds should be enough.

Virgo

August 24 – September 23

Stars are looking good for moving up the career ladder, just not your career ladder, unless you are a chimney sweeper. It may also be time to take your current relationship to the next level, and blow up the doll so it is fully inflatable.

Libra

September 24 – October 23

When one door closes, another one opens. Perhaps you should get a decent locksmith to rectify this problem. Since Mercury is in retrograde you need to walk backwards whilst talking. Don’t sign anything without rude graffiti.

Scorpio

October 24 – November 22

Since Venus has posted photos of your inner left thigh’s third nipple on the internet, you are feeling rather vulnerable. Find yourself by turning on a GPS and typing in your current address. If you are feeling a little off-colour, go easy on the orange fake tan.

Saggyhairyarse

November 23 – December 22

This is a turning point for Sagittarians, leaving you feeling dizzy but well prepared for impromptu skating twirls. There is light at the end of the tunnel but you could also be inside a torch. Remember, actions speak louder than words so play charades 24-7.

Capricorn

December 23 – January 19

Take control of your finances by loaning money to the bank and charging twice as much interest to pay you back. Interest rates are uninteresting. It’s time for personal growth. Eat a yak. Good stars for somersaulting through Eurasia.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 19

Try not to dwell on the past. It is daylight saving and all the other states are an hour ahead. If you have been feeling ignored at work, put a camel with rabies in you office chair and see if anyone notices. Take your credit card on a date and make sure it pays.

Pisces

February 20 – March 20

A solar eclipse in your house of tap dancing pythons means you need to avoid people who say lol. If Saturn wanted Jupiter he should’ve put a ring on it. Try something new, see a movie in 2D.