2010

Aries March 21 – April 20
With the planets aligned for love, you may feel a little awkward with Saturn exposing its ring so close to Uranus. Wear a full length poncho with plastic goggles and hope for the best.
You will be reunited with an old flame that will leave you with an unwanted gas bill.

Taurus April 21 – May 21
Lately, you find there are just not enough hours in the day. Count your time in minutes or even seconds, and you will find that there are a lot more of than 24 of those.
Make sure you spend some quality time with the kids, but be sure to ask their parents first.

Gemini May 22 – June 21
This year all of your dreams will come true. You will shave your arms, your teeth will fall out, you will go to work in your undies, you will have sex with someone you’re related to, and then finally give birth to a frisky zebra. Who could ask for anything more? Dreams come true after all. 

Cancer June 22 – July 23
With Jupiter having too many drinks and vomiting in the toilet all night, you will find a deep connection with sewing machines. Just remember to take it slow before you sew your seeds with the right one. It’s also a great time to replace your carpet with astro turf.

Leo July 24 – August 23
It’s about time you took better care of yourself. Wrap your body in several layers of bubble wrap and wear a helmet with knee and elbow pads. Safe and sexy. 
Why not head to the gym and ask if they’ve read any good books lately. Do you have fly buys?

Virgo August 24 – September 23
You need to take a good look at your finances. The hard, circular ones are called coins, and the colourful, papery ones are called notes. It is quite complex but if you keep your eye on the 8 ball you will probably trip over furniture and small pets.

Libra September 24 – October 23
The waxing moon needs you to wax your legs. After all, a brazilian in the hand is worth two in the bush. 
Nurture your competitive streak by putting on a netball bib and racing against the greyhounds down at the track. There are plenty of muzzles to go around.

Scorpio October 24 – November 22
Now is a good time for you to try your hand at redecorating. Head to your local grocery store to try out a few ideas, like swapping the lamb chops with the toilet paper.
If you have a partner, do-se-do and promenade back home.

Sagittarius November 23 – December 21
Mars is currently in your zone of patting your head whilst rubbing your tummy.
This is time to spend with family. Try a family of ducks. If your waddle is convincing enough mother duck will treat you as one of her own.
There are career opportunities for those looking for average jobs.

Capricorn December 22 – January 20
Venus is hogging the bed sheets again, forcing you to reluctantly buy a Snuggy. You may find that people will avoid you, as the Snuggy makes you look like the Grim Reaper.
You have a lot of work commitments so why not take the next step and propose to your job.

Aquarius January 21 – February 19 
You’re finally starting to find your feet again this year. Remember, they are at the bottom of your bendy, leggy type bits. 
It’s time for an overseas trip. Grab an albatross’ leg and see how far you get. Don’t forget your Duty Free shopping.

Pisces February 20 – March 20
Surround yourself with positive people and see how long it takes you to make them angry. 
You may finally meet your knight in shining armour, but he has a very busy jousting schedule, and quite a few ‘fights-to-the-death’ booked in.
You’re the voice, try and understand it.