2009

Aries March 21- April 20

Saturn has moved in and still hasn’t paid the rent for weeks. There is no food in the fridge, there are cigarette burns on the couch, and the kitty litter is repulsive. Saturn needs to be evicted.
There are financial opportunities if you sell your kidneys on Ebay.

Taurus April 21 – May 20

Singles will be flat yellow plastic squares that are deemed cheese.
Love at first sight exists for very shallow people. Remember to ask permission before attempting intercourse with someone. Such a situation could be awkward at your local shopping centre.

Gemini May 21 – June 21

As Pluto enters Uranus you may need to get that colonic irrigation a little earlier than expected.
After the second lunar eclipse you will momentarily turn into a pumpkin with extreme nostril hair.
Wear a corset every second day and fry eggs for Stephanie on the hour.

Cancer June 22 – July 23

Communication will be the key this year because like something is um like blah blah…..look, a moose!
You will excel at public speaking, but don’t make eye contact or your audience will attack. Stand tall and still like a tree. Welcome dog urination.

Leo July 24 – August 23

Love is in the air, so you need to book a flight if you wanna git some. For those on the ground, you will have financial ups and downs, with your credit card getting into trampolining. Business will boom with the aid of grenades. Step outside if you wish to gain the benefits from the insurance money.

Virgo August 21 – September 23

This is a year for home renovations. Who says it needs to be your house? Knock down your neighbours’ kitchen walls and smash up their bathroom. Do it unannounced, so as to surprise them.
Your true love will come to you and tell you that your vibrator needs batteries to work. If it turns blue, you’re pregnant.

Libra September 24 – October 23

It’s time for you to be a kid again. Try on the size 2 ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ jumpsuit at Best’n’Less, then complain or through a tantrum if it doesn’t fit. The sales assistants will think you’re just adorable.
Healthwise, your body will start to decay if you are already dead. Visit the Clinique ladies at David Jones. They too, are dead, but well preserved.

Scorpio October 24 – November 22

Jupiter is in your zone of love, but you decided to use it as a fitness ball. Great thighs, by the way.
It is a great year for social networking, but with ants rather than humans. You’ll build the dream dirt nest you always wanted. Take out home insurance in case it rains.

Sagittarius November 23 – December 22

Travel is on the cards this year. Unfortunately, cards are not a very efficient form of transport. Take the train over the Ace of Spades.
Family is also very important this year. In previous years, they’ve been utterly insignificant. But you will at least notice that they are there this year, even if you do ignore their phone calls.

Capricorn December 23 – January 20

High on the hill is a lonely goat, olay olay olay hee hoo. Pluto will bring you an average cup of tea on a saucer then expect to steal your inheritance. Don’t get sucked in by the black hole.
Some people quite enjoy cheesecake. Buy a silver pony and slap its right arse cheek.

Aquarius – January 21 – February 19

Aquarians need to remember to relax this year. You can do this after you pay off your debts, take in the washing, get a promotion, walk like an Egyptian, Send in the Clowns, get married to a door knob, and realign the universe. Relax, damn it, RELAX!

Pisces February 20 – March 20

Do a somersault over negativity and hold hands with a plant named Roger. You will attract mosquitos and sand flies into your life if you do not wear insect repellent.
You will gain clarity from reading public toilet doors, “Nicky %$#@ed Simon”, “Rhonda is a wanker”. Open your heart and flush the toilet.