2008

Aries
Mars has done a back flip over Jupiter and made Venus feel very inadequate, so this month you’ll have some financial worries if you don’t earn any money. And with the moon feeling self-conscious about acne problems this month, you’ll be sure to meet that special someone at Fridays.

Taurus
Due to your many failed internet relationships recently, you are the current Zodiac loser. Things are looking up though, as the moon brings promising prospects of vasectomies, plummeting poverty at the casino, and degrading taunts from the B105 secret sound. 

Gemini
Due to the revelation of a new Batman film in the making you are at an all time low this month. Whilst communication is regarded as a gift to most Geminis, you should probably shut up for a change. An old flame returns and leaves you with a huge gas bill.

Cancer
With your planets all lined up this month, you’ll be moving your limbs to get from place to place. You may feel tempted to eat meals, wear shoes and splurge on various essential human functions. Don’t be afraid to inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. This may be the pick-me-up you need.

Leo
It’s time to confront that hyena which has been raising your mane lately. Treat this as a time for personal growth and indulge in some fresh zebra carcass in grassy fields. Don’t become too complacent with your domination, and remember that there are other things to life than being at the top of the food chain. Every gazelle has a silver lining.

Virgo
In order to pay some bills this month you need to pass GO successfully without being sent to jail. Your fate this month is controlled by chance and which ever way the dice rolls. Trafalgar Square awaits you, although it may seem very 2 dimensional. Single? Well, aren’t you a huge loser then.

Libra
You’ve been very close to females lately, yet feel like you’re just being used. In the workplace you may have issues with rival, Carefree, but you are given wings after sticking to the undies at hand. You’ll also have a heavy family reunion with maxipads, ultrathins, overnights and pantyliners. Say hi to them for me.

Scorpio
As Mercury, the planet of huge vibrators moves closer, you get a lucky career break by throwing burnt toast at strangers. This is also a promising month for you in love and serial killing, with victims flourishing in both areas. You dog, you. 

Sagitarius
As the milky way and all galaxies alike scurry into your undies, here comes the break you’ve been looking for. You could win the lotto, but probably not. You could marry a member of the royal family but I doubt it. You could even transform into a constantly sexually satisfied robot that rules the world, but get real, what the hell is wrong with you?

Capricorn
If you turn on the light in your house it will be easier to see at night. Don’t get so downhearted at the prospect of being saturated with lifestyle reality television. There is a new show coming out called Beer Eye for the Straight Sly. We’re the kids in America, awhoa.

Aquarius
You will be quite moody this month. This is the result of an old rusted school compass in your rectum. You could take it out but this may cause astronomical chaos, with the cow jumping over the moon, and all of the satellite dishes running away with spoons. Remember, a compass in the rectum is worth 2 in the bush.

Pisces
It’s time to get back to all those things you’ve been putting off; scuffling like a lobster when approaching a bank teller, impersonating Danii Minogue with rabies at an academic institution, and taking your star signs seriously. Keep out of reach of children. This is a general statement rather than one that refers exclusively to poisons.