2015 Horror scopes

Aries

March 21 – April 20

The planets have aligned for the Nutbush City Limits. With scrub turkeys foraging in your bin juice sector, you will observe the pecking order at Daycare. Take a risk and choose a dessert off the sushi train.

Taurus

April 21 – May 21

With Mars going direct on the eleventieth of Septober you can look forward to performing a rhythmic gymnastics routine in a parking lot elevator. Mind the dismount. Paypal was invented by Staffies with online shopping addictions.

Gemini

May 22 – June 22

It may be time to put on your Jorna Lame fitness gear and workout some algebra equations. For great dieting tips and summery recipes buy yourself a copy of ‘The Hungry Caterpillar’.

Cancer

June 23 – July 24

You have two diseases named after you, Cancer and Crabs. Don’t beat yourself up. Your glass is not half empty, because I drank the rest while you were reading the first two sentences. Always look on the bright side of life drawing.

Leo

July 25 – August 23

After joining a cult called Optus, you seem to have lost your connection with the outside world. YES. Depressed and lonely, you are just a number. Socially, you have reached your data limit for the month.

Virgo

August 24 – September 23

This year reinvent yourself as a whole new purse on …. another person’s shoulder. Embrace change and take notes. You carry the key to your destination, as well as tampons and lip gloss.

Libra

September 24 – October 23

The moon is currently in your Worst Ever Instagram Pictures zone. A filter cannot help you out here. Try to start a game of musical chairs on public transport and order a coffee without sounding racist.

Scorpio

October 24 – November 22

As a water sign you crave a sea change and move into a dribble castle on the shoreline. Hopefully you enjoy renovating, because you will need to every time the tide turns. Further property developing opportunities exist if you’re building a city on rock’n’roll.

Saggyhairyarse

November 23 – December 22

With Shakira’s hair regrowth in your 3^rd house of eel chowder your finances are looking up. Mr Dow Jones and me told eachother fairytales. A hot tip would be to invest in a thing called an abacus.  

Capricorn

December 23 – January 19

You have a tendency to wear your heart on your sleeve. Team this with a matching aorta on your collar for a fun fashion statement. Nurture your inner child by looking at a smart phone for consecutive hours.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 19

With Venus in your stars a blossoming romance turns into a blossoming fungal infection. You inspire a new Disney movie called, “UTI and the Yeast”. Get back to basics. Cocktails are too expensive.

Pisces

February 20 – March 20

With Jupiter distracted by a stream of cat memes you finally meet that special lap dancing iguana via your Tindr profile. Your medicine ball earrings are not as lucrative as you’d hoped.