2019 Horror scopes

Aries

Your new year starts with a bag of dick van dykes. Chimney sweep your way into 2019 as the Earth burns away human induced stress before an impending ice age chim cheroo. 

Giving zero fracks leaves you feeling less gassy.

Taurus

Jupiter throwing cheap confetti at strangers on the train means it’s a perfect time to declutter. Remember, if the space between the objects also doesn’t spark joy, get rid of it by filling it up with other dense objects. Your unlucky numbers are: any listed on your lotto ticket.

Gemini

Attempting to be your best self proves to be difficult when you find out that Nicole Kidman played a better version of you in some small release last May. Start a self-care regime by taking careful selfies, especially whilst driving off cliff faces.

Cancer

Mercury retrograde brings a sense of nostalgia, as you reminisce about a time when ‘Wellness’ meant looking after deep, dank holes in the ground. Ah, well. You may have a whale of a time at a music festival, provided there is mandatory krill testing. 

Leo

Two things are certain in your lifetime; death and taxes. And then your bank account is still taxed when you die. But if you play your caskets right, you’ll be laughing all the way to the Banking Royal Commission. You can lead a horse to 0% beer but you can’t make him drink it, obvs.

Virgo

Venus in your Gillette zone irritates sensitive skin when seemingly blunt. Take a break from social mediocre with some much needed “me too time’s up”. Why not try a popular beach tap dancing class or even release some passive-aggression with yoga boxing. Zen voibes bitches!

Libra

2019 sees you in the spotlight, losing your religion. Dance like the seatbelt sign isn’t lit for landing, sing like nobody is waiting for the verdict in a court hearing, scroll like nobody is trolling and walk like an Egyptian. Consider having more family time by trying a free one month trial subscription with them, no obligation. 

Scorpio

If only you could fit more time into the day to worry about the future. Try waking up through the night just to get in a little extra devastation contemplation. You may consider going away on a special “Worry” Retreat with some girlfriends. If you’re feeling a sudden ‘inner peace’ attack remember to replace mindful meditation with mine-full medication. Stress for success!

Sagittarius

This year Sagittarians are caught between the moon and New York City for offshore processing. You can’t have integration without interrogation. People will be more accepting of you when they finally don’t view you as a threat to their gravity. Tread lightly. Your lucky colours are: ‘bin juice pearl’ and 'washed crime scene peach’.

Capricorn

As the goats with the most, you are blessed for less in 2019. Use the lawn of attraction to turn yourself into a mower and shaker with hedge funds. An unplanned trip to Woollies sees you carrying oodles of groceries away in miniature dog poo bags.

Aquarius

Saturn shows up as a creepily chatty Uber driver in your forgotten passwords realm. An overpriced electricity bill leaves you feeling low on energy. Don’t burn the candle at both ends before seeing the bright side of Lifeline. Try switching your energy provider to Serena Williams, a more reliable source of power.

Pisces

As the moon completes another phase, you wonder why Keira Knightly hasn’t starred in your period drama, streaming monthly. Cut your ties… is a message to address Donald’s extended neck ties.

If a tree falls on some carpool karaoke, does anybody hear it?

Climb aboard a spinning microwave plate for further future predictions.

Yours Joustingly,

Euglena Star woman to the star women