Your 2020 Horror Scopes

Aries

If you want to change the world, start by changing yourself by kickstarting an online petition for your own change at change.org. Tape a pair of bananas above your eyes to get that ‘statement eyebrows’ look.

Taurus

Expand your mine with a power-trip away to gain frequent fire points. Consider planning a nonchalant lei over. If tax-payer-funded travel is not on the cards at this time, a climate change is as good as a holiday. Who the bloody hell are you?

Gemini

2020 sees time speeding up and eventually collapsing on itself, allowing you to experience every moment at once. This leaves you in a predicament with your ’10 year Challenge’ pics. 

Lucky colours are ‘out of ink’ cyan and ‘remembering chlorophyll’ green.

Cancer

As Venus laughs hysterically at the irony of the term, ‘Religious Freedom’, it’s a great time for orthodoxy-morons to 3D print themselves a new personality. Take a risk by staying in your comfort zone for too long.

Leo

As the Zodiac Cats, your Jellicle moon is shining bright! Try to be less animated. 1 Star. 

A Jellicle business opportunity exists for you to sell wine online as an ‘under the Influencer’. 

Don’t forget to ‘Plan your lit legend’.

Virgo

2020 is all about rebranding, particularly for shapeshifting reptilians. Try an online make-up tutorial for contoured cheeks that stab anyone within a 34cm radius. Get a tattoo sleeve of some celery juice if you want anyone to take you seriously.

Libra

A blackhole tries to convert everyone to a planet based diet, although Uranus can be extra gassy. Limit your dietary requirements to foods that make your tongue itchy. 

Why not start a new fitness regime? ‘Flat Earthers’ may have difficulty getting into shape.

Scorpio

When Saturn adds ‘destabilisng societal structures’ to their story, it’s a great time to start following ‘Your Gut Instincts’ on Instagram. #yourgutinstincts. 

Rewrite your algorithm for world dominating dickosaurs of ye olde. Cancelled.

Sagittarius

With Jupiter joining Jameela Jamil’s giblets in your communications microbiome, you feel inspired to speak your mind. Instead of using social media as your platform, though, try whispering to an arthropod. It’s an exoskeleton suggestion.

Capricorn

The sun activates your 5th skin-tag chakra, urging you to replace your handheld devices with a magpie. Features include facial recognition technology, wireless connection, roaming, GPS, attacking you near their young, and many cool ring tones. A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush on NBN.

Aquarius

If you’re not really living this year then you’re probably dead.  Just remember that home is where the heart is. If you like natural light and ‘open plan living’, dissect your torso to the ‘Grand Designs’ theme. 

Pisces

Mercury retrograde sees the ghost of Louise Hay being sent to the outback animals instead of hay bails. The affirmations were helpful though, a 'Thoughts and prayers' buffet.

Stay on trend this new year and listen to K-pop through a pair of stinging blue bottles. 

Hugs from sunny purgatory

Euglena Star woman 

Liked by others