Your 2021 Horror Scopes

 Aries

2021 slow claps you into the new year like an expectant Bond villain. “Well well well, Mrs Bond. Fancy seeing you here.” Distant explosions fade to sage smoke pluming from what appears to be the White House until the end of January Jones.

Taurus

Jupiter and Saturn appear to merge, ignoring all spacial distancing rules. Jupiter would have preferred Saturn to ring first, and at least wear a Mars. If you’re dreaming of a holiday you are probably at the REM stage of your sleep cycle.

Gemini

2020 closes with your average screen time report sung at you from the cast of ‘Rent’, “525 thousand, 600 minutes”. Meanwhile Earth wonders why she just gets a measly hour at the end of March when a few people turn their lights off. Gratitude ya’ll.

Cancer

Mercury moving into retrograde is a great time to finalise that Centrelink paperwork in ‘Wing Dings’ font. Follow this up by phoning Telstra from Optus and putting them on hold with each other in a static Muzak loop. Lucky colours are Tired eye tie dye and faded tattoo charcoal.

Leo

After pivoting through the super aggressive netball game that was 2020, you will spend most of this year on the bench cleaning orange wedges and boob sweat off your Goal Defence bib. Here if you need, Sharon. The new year is a time for grounding, particularly for airplanes.

Virgo

Looking for a creative project? Why not build a self-driving arc to navigate this planetary simulation controlled by reptilian overlords. You can never be too prepared for the oncoming quicksand-avalanche-solar shit storm around the corner. Click here to win ‘Sammy Sally JoJo’s sourdough starter kit’ with a bonus lip gloss.

Libra

2021 is the year of the vaccinated bat. It’s a relief to know that all of the bushfire affected animals fled to the safety of your isolation beard. Oh hello, there’s a few ‘extinction rebellion’ humans in there too. You can drastically increase the value of your property by dusting. 

Scorpio

Uranus transits through your toilet paper hoarding house, leaving the moon no square to spare. The great shortage of pasta and flour leaves you curious as to how people are using these products as toilet paper. You got leads?

Sagittarius 

In 2021 your work colleagues won’t take you seriously without that classic bookcase background. You can also fashion a book shelf as a high collar for any outdoor occasion. Share if you remember having memories.

Capricorn

With Venus subscribing to another true crime podcast about wellness dating off the grid, you will spend the first part of the year stuck in a Zoom waiting room. Just as you are about to discover the source of consciousness, you are invited into the meeting. Put some pants on. Mute.

Aquarius

2021 is the perfect time for you to flatten your curves and get into shape. A rectangular prism is especially handsome for the “stay-at-home” mum/dad/world citizen. You’re allowed to exercise outside for 3.7 minutes above the sewer drain in a cone of silence. Set some goals for the year, plot them on a graph and have it on my desk in the morning. 

Pisces

This year Pisces has been cancelled, leaving nothing but your past self to binge watch. For a more authentic viewing experience set up cardboard cut outs around the yard with pre recorded audience lorikeet squeals. Don’t forget a sculpture of a lady commentator and the Jobseeker cheerleaders. 

Be kind, rewind.

Euglena Star Woman 💋

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