2022 Horror Scopes

 2022 Horror Scopes

With Euglena Starwoman, liked by others

Aries ♈️ 

New year, who dis?

2021 didn’t have much in store for you because the shops were closed, Silly! 😜 

Thankfully 2022 will be more promising, then not deliver because it’s an election year. Remember, we’re all in this conspiracy theory together. We’re just not sure which one. 

Taurus ♉️ 

When life throws you lemons, all of the juice squirts right in your eye. Like, all of it. Don’t spread yourself too thin, but you do need to stop the spread. Whack the butter in the freezer and head out for smashed inflated housing market on sourdough. Enjoy your soy flat white privilege in a cup or a mug or a shallow grave.

Gemini ♊️ 

Uranus narrowly avoids sextile with Bezos’ space junk. He could have sent an unsolicited rocket pic first. Do you even have a MemberShip with us? The new moon crosses the border as an essential twerker, inspiring you to end a relationship publicly and write a Taylor Swift song about it. Release it as an Adele album. 

Leo ♌️ 

Financially, it’s a great time to invest. Do your own research and find out how the ‘Barefoot Investor’ became so successful when most people prefer to wear shoes. If you’re looking for a home based project click here to purchase a DIY Spider-Man movie director kit. 1 star.

Cancer ♋️ 

Single? One night stand may be all you need as a few would clutter the bedroom and look ridiculous. If you’re searching for a new hobby try activism. Protest for the right to ignore everybody. As the crab of the zodiac your shell is your opinion shield. If you’re a Jenny, you can ‘woman-splain’ that rape is bad.

Virgo ♍️ 

In 2022 life will finally return to normal for the extinct Boulder Snail. If that’s not you, the floor is lava and you have to walk the tightrope of work - life. Balance! Ps the floor is always lava. Forever. Venus is in retrograde in your 11th house of friends with benefits: the reunion. You really hoped this was going to be a scripted episode.

Libra ♎️ 

Reflect on last year with ‘2021 explained’ YouTube videos before downloading season 2022. The incoherent storylines and unbelievable characters are set to continue this year. With mercury in retrograde, you will need to view the subtitles in reverse and certain scenes won’t be complete until you dream them into the plot. And just like that, Carrie Bradshaw was a centaur all along. Unsubscribe.

Scorpio ♏️ 

2022 is the year of the rabbit hole. After a binge on ASMR videos over the silly season you have become a plate of jelly. Commit to a fitness regime that reclaims your endoskeleton, like Pilates mehartes. Share if you remember what the lower half of a person’s face looks like.

Sagittarius ♐️ 

Mars and Saturn cross your 46th House of Parliament, nonchalantly pulling out the blocks of Democracy Jenga. Enjoy the edge of your seat.

It’s the perfect time to host an ‘agenda reveal party’ with a Trojan horse piñata and some non biodegradable corruption confetti. Lucky colours are dead coral coral and Black Friday sales.

Capricorn ♑️ 

2022 is a huge year of networking for  mycorrhizal fungi. Career wise, reinvent yourself as mycelium on Linkedin and add photosynthesis to your resume for a sustainable workplace. Mid year, you will finally get some ‘Me time’ whilst waiting to reopen the fridge after you’ve just closed it.

Aquarius ♒️ 

If your data has been feeling backed up lately it’s relieving to know that Meta-mucil is now a high-in-fibre social media empire with Virtual Reality laxatives. You should be able to log off regularly in the right privacy settings. You will find that the ‘meta’ refers to the fact that the universe itself, is already a simulation. Like all of us, you are the chosen one. Am I right, velociraptors? 

Pisces ♓️ 

You made it to 2022! Just breathe, all of the ventilators are taken. After such a whirlwind year be grateful that you didn’t need the leaf blower that you also don’t own. Manage to still yourself for a moment to hear your inner voice demanding Free Speech. There is no point arguing with your own opposing beliefs. You can’t subscribe unless you’ve been fully fascinated.