Aries
2023 is the new black hole. It really sucks and you discover that nothing matters. Uranus leaves a cafe with that giant spatula toilet key, inspiring you to write a book called 'Recipe Toilet Eats'. Enrol in a post graduate course on how to wash your hands.
Taurus
As an Earth sign, you are a picture of the world on a board displayed somewhere people can see. If you are single and ready to mingle you will need the 'L'. Otherwise, you are singe and ready to minge. Unlucky colours are cyan and flesh coloured lycra. Your skin is not clothes.
Gemini
Gemini, get your twins out in 2023. It's time to get something important off your chesticles. Nip it in the bud. If you are feeling sociable this year, hold a 'Data Breach' party so you can get to know everyone better. In 2023 you finally find a carpark, but it's in your driveway. Are you guys leaving?
Cancer
Jupiter transits through your 10th house of more inclusive gambling ads. FINALLY! A career change sees you in a new role of service, delivering misinformation to the needy. This year is also a great time for starting new hobbies, like endometriosis.
Leo
Address your mental health concerns by opening up to your waitress, who asks, 'How is everything here?' It turns out, 'These dishes are designed for sharing' is literal, and doesn't mean sharing your problems. There is Himalayan pink salt on the table to rub into your wounds.
Virgo
Cat hiss 2022 away and scratch a new vision board into a public toilet door. This year is your time to shine, as you finally learn that your love language is sleeping. Start a new spiritual practice in overthinking everything. Classic mindfulness 101. Dalmatians!
Libra
2023 invites you to add 'existing' to your bucket list. Don't wait until it's too late. During Mercury retrograde you need to adjust your social media settings so it is just you in your feed. Now that's content. Lucky ice-cream flavours are ramen raisin.
Scorpio
This is your year for self care for yourself. Eat mindfully, realising that baby spinach never made it to adulthood. Hire a personal trainer to drive you around on a train each day. Start a hydrating beauty routine by getting someone to spray you with a fire hydrant. That's what they're really for. Health and wellnesssssssssss! (Wealth and hellness)
Sagittarius
Start your free 30 day trial of 2023 here. We recommend the annual subscription which you can't cancel at anytime. The next new moon cup inspires home renovations. The labour shortage and limited supply chain sees you employing a group of enthusiastic bush turkeys to get the job done. Nest minute!
Capricorn
Close the door on the putrid festival toilet of 2022. Set your mantra for the year to your automatic out-of-office reply. Treat yourself to a girls' night out and try opening a portal to a new dimension with your high shrill lady voices. Squeeeeee!
Aquarius
Saturn transits through your 8th house of investment lettuces. It's a great time to take that underwater yoga class to build core strength in those pesky hind legs. An online make-up tutorial class for contouring enormous saggy jowls can help boost your self-esteem.
Pisces
Mercury retrograde sees your Twindr account hacked by an AI generated seahorse, disguised as a Pleiadian, in the form of a narcissistic human with imposter syndrome. What? Although 2022 wasn't your year for selling vapes in the shape of eggplants, you did manage to skip a lot of ads. Loading 3 of 17 ........
Euglena Starwoman
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